Sunday, October 31, 2010


Hi. I have not blogged for a while because I have been really ill mentally.
I thought all was going well with the new medication until last sunday at Evensong.
Something snapped in my least that was what felt happened.
I felt confused and dazed, unable to help myself.
In the run up I had run to Peel at 4.30am and on another morning got Ernie up at 3.30am.
This past week has been confusion, daze and a struggle to survive.
At times I have been unable to make even a cup of tea or dinner.
I have no memory of last Monday despite arranging an appt to see my psychiatrist.
I have phone the Crisis Response Team and got no real help.
I have staggered to the Star Club (Day Centre) on several days for help and company.
It has been a living hell.
Gradually with 3 doctor's appt's my medication has been increased and adjusted.
I have now ditched the sleeping tablet as I think it causes confusion.
Yesterday I went to a new running store and Ernie bought me trainers.
I was fine until I began to get disorientated and a bit confused.
The rest of the day I was asleep and when awake felt in a stupor.
However at 7pm I finally woke up and was fine.
This morning I felt well. My brain was good - no racing thoughts or intrusive thoughts.
Just nice and calm and focussed.
I went to church and managed a minute of simple bellringing.
Then when the others rang a more compliacted method I got confused and dazed.
I found the stimulation of several things happening totally disorientating.
During the church service I was unable to read and sing, got more dazed and eventually nearly fainted. After a brief spell in Ken's office I returned to the Mass but could not concentrate or follow what was going on. After another spell in the office I received communion.
However at home in the peace and quiet I was fine. I felt as if my brain was great but my body could not do what my brain asked it to do. I managed to make dinner, the first time in a week. I then fell asleep and woke feeling great. i decided Evensong was beyond me and got out my trainers. I ran 2.5 miles but my calf muscle is sore again. A week of inactivity and slouching has affected my calf muscle again. I will have to see the physio again. I am annoyed as I wanted to run tomorrow. People said I looked much better this evening. i feel it - I think I have turned a corner.
I see my psychiatrist again tomorrow. I know what tablets doses I want to take now.
I hope I can sleep through all the night tonight.
It is my birthday on Thursday and then we go on holiday to Malta.
Ernie has been wonderful at looking after me this week.
I hope I am completely better for Malta - I am not looking forward to the travelling.
It has been a nightmarish week. Mental illness is awful and disabling.
I have been so exhausted.
A new day tomorrow - let us hope a bright one.
Bye. Bethany.

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